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A Bit About B
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Plain and simple.
This is gonna be a longer rant so pardon the incoherent sentences in advance.
I wish… that I was an extrovert sometimes
I wish that I was good at hanging out with people or initiating hanging out with people without being anxious about how lame I appear
I wish that when I passed people in the hall/ on the street I could actually say: “hello” instead of mouthing it because my voice isn’t loud enough for the words to actually rise from my throat
We talk about privilege so often in terms of race and gender and sexuality but what about the personality privilege? You extroverts have no idea the advantage you have in school, friendships, jobs, positions of power, ever freakin’ facet of society is ruled and defined by extroverts and don’t you dare tell me otherwise.
I wish I could speak or convey my feelings without stuttering and pausing every 3 seconds and fumbling with my words and not finding the right words and being interrupted and being unheard.
Do people realize how fuqing hard it is to be an introvert?
Parents don’t understand why I don’t want to stay at the dinner table after eating to talk and would rather be up in my room online or reading.
They don’t understand why I don’t laugh as loudly at their jokes or crack any of my own
There always has to be a reason why I don’t want to go somewhere and it can’t just be “because I don’t want to” or “because I don’t want to be around people” so it ends up as: I’m lazy.
I wonder how many introverts get dubbed as lazy because we’d rather be in one place by ourselves than up and about with other people.
Usually the latter means being left out, it means being the one who’s pushed to the back when walking on the sidewalk. It means not having a place in conversation taking place. It means feeling more alone and more uncomfortable than we would being by ourselves.
Being an introvert is fucqing exhausting
I see outgoing people who have a lot of people that care for them, they can walk down a street and will find someone they know, they matter. But us? We don’t matter because we don’t have a voice that’s heard; who cares about them, if they had something important to say they should just. fucqin. say it.
But it doesn’t work that way
I constantly feel humiliated in class or in front of people because it takes me a while to process words and I’m not good at thinking on my feet, especially if I want to say something without stumbling too much. If I raise something, I’m immediately spit back with a follow-up question and I can’t provide an answer because I haven’t even processed the professor/ teacher’s words. And then I look look like a fool.
And year after year there are people who tell you to just speak up or speak more or smile more because “it’s not that hard” but if you’ve lived your entire life being ignored or interrupted or feeling like your thoughts don’t matter or sitting on the outskirts of society then why the fucq would you “just talk more?” As if we aren’t already aware of our introversion and how much of a disadvantage it puts us.
My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t so shy or quiet or in my own head so often but guess what I have to live with it and nothing’s going to change that.
I don’t normally put personal, life things on here, but I felt like this fits.
Here is part 1 of tonight’s “Introvert Diaries” (this will probably not be a running thing, just so ya know)
I suppose I never really realized how tired I get of people until tonight
Not to say that I didn’t enjoy tonight’s event, it just exhausted me
and normally, I come back from events like this very tired, and I always assumed that it was because I was running around and stuff
but I realized that it’s because being around people is what tires me.
I didn’t even really speak to anyone, which is the slightly scary part. Like I really didn’t talk for those 2-ish hours, but I felt that I needed to come back and just sit alone somewhere.
As I walked up the stairs in the dorm, the very idea of possibly talking to another group of human beings frightened me, and wore me down even further.
It’s strange to think that even secondhand interaction with others can make me feel so weary, and it’s difficult for me to imagine how anyone can just be around people all the time and enjoy it…